The only way you can't, is if you won't.

Here's an interesting excerpt from an article I read this morning.  Beautiful.

We are the worst. You are the worst. I don’t mean to single you out. It’s me too. Our own opinion, our self-judgment, is always the harshest; our internal dialogue stings the most. We have the least confidence in our ability to be who we want to be or do what we want to do; likely, because we can see clearly who we want to be or where we want to go and we have no clue how the fuck we’ll get there. Other than to just keep going, of course; to keep doing the hard work of slogging through the doubt, the fear, the near-crippling uncertainty.

Here’s what I can tell you: your “good enough” is actually great and pushing through the fear will set you on the path to being even better. I will say it until you can believe it: I believe in you. I believe in me, too.

Take heart in your doubt: it means you care. You care so much and want it so badly, you can hardly believe that you’ll live up to your own expectations. You can. By getting this far, by even having something about which you quiver with insecurity, you’ve already surpassed them. You’ve taken one step. Take two more. Don’t walk away from it, whatever your “it” may be.

Give yourself a little more credit than that. You have this inside of you. I’m not promising that it will be easy (and, conversely, I’m not promising that it will be all that hard), but I promise that you can do it. The only way you can’t is if you won’t.

So, take a good look at your doubt. Stare her in the face and breathe her in. Give her a name and welcome her back. (She’s been there before and she’ll be there again.) Recognize her and pay attention to her. When she’s there, you’ll know you’re facing the action that sits deep in your heart; you’re facing your dormant calling. You’re looking at the root of yourself. Doubt is your friend. Recognize her for what she offers: confirmation that you’re headed in the right direction. High five and let her go. You’ve got shit to do.

That’s the secret.

We get nowhere under the constant weight of our own uncertainty. Allow your doubt to be your friend, your guide, your cue that it’s time to go one step further. Let it move you: Say what you need to say, do what you need to do, spill yourself where you need to. Force her to set the bar continually higher.

She’s played her hand. Your move.

I wish you would know.

Today was a very productive day!  We finally worked on searching for the venue,  and we found an amazing one right at the last minute.  It's true when they say God is always always always on time.  So that's done!

Next thing to work on is the Playlist that I came up with and the brochures to be given out at IFEX.  To top that off,  I still have to work on my report cards and photobook.  Gosh!  Give me the grace to be able to complete all that needs to be done with a good state of mind and enable me to give it my best. 

This baby project which will be revealed soon... Has gotten a lot of support from everyone around us,  from family to friends.  The only one person I so wish to share it to,  is you.  I wanted you to be the first to know but I guess for now,  that won't be possible unless you miraculously read this blog of mine.  I hope when you find out,  you will support me even if we are now distant. 

I still care about you and I wish that you would self reflect and understand that I left you because I want to give you space to realize your mistakes as well. Just like you,  I too want to feel cared for,  loved,  wanted and secure.  And I don't feel that coming from you,  so I find no reason to stay. Not because I want to hurt you or get back at you. But well,  I guess I'll leave that to life and I am making a choice to not let this affect me.  If you come back around and I'm still here,  then awesome.  If not then I wish you well in whatever it is you choose to do and even though I said I'll quit praying for you,  I still do till today. I never forget to send my angels to always protect you wherever you are.  It's the least I can do for you from a distance. 

The signs.

It's funny how when God wants us to know something,  He will ensure to let us know through someone or through signs. 

Today,  I heard something about you that made me  shocked.  I thought I knew you well but I guess I don't.  I thought you were an open book,  but you're not. 

Here I am thinking I'm crazy enough to have a lot of doubts about you,  at the same time I always pray my doubts about you are wrong in so many levels because I so badly wanted to trust you. 

Till today,  despite trying hard to move on,  somewhere in my little heart I hope my doubts about you and her are wrong.  Because I truly hope not to ever tell myself I loved a stranger. 

The New Project.

Finally home after a long ass day.  So I have a couple of exciting things coming up ahead!

Tomorrow will be yet another long day to work on my project. If all goes well,  we hope to get the venue by tomorrow  and spread the word about it at IFEX. Woohoo!

This is yet another leap of faith for me and definitely one that's out of my comfort zone.  It's a risk but well,  no risk equals to no success.  Everything is worth a try and a second chance.  So keeping my fingers crossed for this! 

Hunting day tomorrow! Wish me luck!

Peace.

Home sweet home!

All in all,  this trip was amazing. 

I don't usually like getting a tan as I'm already tanned!  But this time,  the sun definitely didn't have any mercy on me.  It's great in a way,  as I get to feel being in Beyonce 's skin for a change!

The hearing of "all of me"  everywhere happened in Bali as well, in the most unexpected places. Everytime I hear it,  I miss my pumpkin even more.  It's truly what I feel about her and it's strange that I hear it literally everywhere I go. Like its constantly reminding me of what's in my little heart. A sign,  perhaps?

Made even more new friends who happened to be knowing people from my university before.  Small small world I must say!  And of course,  the encounter with the owner of the upcoming Fashion hotel in Bali was truly a divine designed one. Sending him my CV asap!

Thanks to Michelle,  who helped me to self reflect about my point of views and released as much blockages which I didn't realize I created in my own reality.  I learnt alot from her and I'll ensure to use these lessons in my daily life as I wanna create big changes,  in myself,  my surroundings and my life.  Not to forget,  also the project I'm working on!  Fingers very much crossed!

I'm grateful for this unplanned trip,  unexpected meetings, the choices to let loose and take even more leaps of faith.  Magnified hard ass situations can sometimes make us forget to do those!

How does it get any better than that!  What else is possible?  :)

What Do You Believe In?

I believe in grilled cheese and wine  — not necessarily together though either goes great with pretty much anything.

I believe that people, as a whole, don’t know anything about anyone; everyone has a story and we shouldn’t assume we have already read them all. I believe that the best thing you can do if you love someone is to tell them up front; beating around the bush is for cowards.

I believe in good music. Not music that just makes you happy but music that makes you think and feel and breathe a little bit differently for a long time after you first listen.

I believe in champagne for no reason and that being weak in the knees is a good thing. Unless you are a runner, in which case I believe you need more calcium in your diet and maybe some physical therapy.

I believe in skinny-dipping at night (though never alone) and that the best cure for a hangover is an old fashioned orange juice. I believe that chocolates  are some kind of evil joke God is trying to play on us and cheese should be considered a deadly sin.

I believe that actions speak louder than words but that words themselves shouldn’t die a slow and painful “wutz ^, nm, hbu?” related death. If we are doomed to become a generation that communicates solely through e-mails and text messages we may as well make them witty and worth our while.

I believe that sometimes, we forget how amazing we are and that everything really is going to be okay.

I believe in good handwriting and manners and that sometimes, it is okay to leap before you look.

I believe that there are very few things a glass of wine can’t fix and that the first time you really grow up is when you see your mom cry.

I believe that you should do stupid things when you’re young,  even if it's just for telling a story when you're old.

I believe in sky diving and facing our biggest fear head on and I will probably never understand why I continue to suck at ice skating. 

I believe a cup of well made hazelnut latte arguably feels just as good as sex and that coral is the most acceptable color for toe nail polish.

I believe in parasailing and that there are plenty of fish in the sea.  I believe that 80% of what people say when they are kidding is actually what they are truly thinking.

I believe a jacket is well worth the investment but nothing will make you feel as warm as a hug from a loved one. I believe that shoes should be optional during the months of May, June, July, and August.

I believe in you and fate and serendipity and karma but mainly, I believe in living in a way that makes you and only you the happiest you can be.

In other words, I believe in believing in something regardless of how small it may seem. If you believe in it, it is worth believing in. Remember that.

Pleasant Encounter

"When people come to me asking about their soul mate because they think it would be incredible when they find it,  I laugh at them.  A relationship with your soul mate is guaranteed to be one full of thorns, because they're supposed to mold you,  challenge you so hard and show you sides of yourself you never even knew existed and yet bring out the best in you. It ain't a bed of roses. But no matter how much you drive them away,  they will find their way back to you. Always. It's the kinda connection none of us understands.  It just is. "

Yup,  that's what Michelle said. I finally opened up to her about my recent experience.  I feel better and much lighter as its something I haven't been able to share with my nearest and dearest ones for a while now. She helped me to see things from a different perspective and unlike others,  with absolutely no judgements or even what-the-fuck moments.

She reminded me that letting go of something or someone isn't equal to giving up.  It's just passing on the control and outcome of the situation to a higher power because we as humans with small minds,  are also small in our ways and thoughts. And the universe is able to see right through our hearts and understands us better than we even understand ourselves.  It's ways are unlimited and is very often not the same as our ways. It is also able to open doors which we can't open.

Because there's always something to learn in our experiences,  in my case,  it brought out the ability I never knew I had.  The ability to love another person unconditionally,  seeing their imperfections,  yet love them anyway.  Not everyone is blessed with it,  and for that,  I am thankful. 

What's funny is even she couldn't figure out why was I hearing the same song everywhere I go till today.  "all of me loves all of you",  yes that's the song. My driver who doesn't understand English suddenly listens to that song in the radio, a student in my school sings that on my face when the school hours were over and we were alone in the building,  my brother who starts off spinning suddenly using that song and he hates John Legend,  walking past a restaurant and heard the band screaming to that song, talking to a waitress only to find that her fav song is "all of me" and many more. From Jakarta to Bali,  that song has just practically followed me everywhere like a shadow. 

Too much for a coincidence... So perhaps a sign?

You Shattered It

"I know I've messed up in many ways, and you too. We are all humans and we're all flawed. But aside from being a jealous little girl, I know that I love you with all my heart and the good that we have outweighs the bad. There are times that you may feel I don't care about you, but it's during those times that I actually care about you so much that it hurts when you're not being yourself. Today, I'm down on my knees not knowing whether I deserve to ask you this, but hey, life is way too short to not follow your heart...You're a wonderful person and you embellish my life with your presence. Will you do the honour of giving both of us a fresh start, another chance to do our best, another chance to work it out...and maybe a chance to be my girlfriend and a shot at making you the happiest woman alive? "

Under the stars, surrounded by little candles, just the dramatic way I would do it, this was how I was going to ask you to be mine the weekend after we fought. I was very certain about this because that night I saw the worst side of you, and although it made me shocked and sad, I wasn't scared. It only made me realize that I loved you as a whole. Your good and your bad.

But you shattered it.

You shattered it completely by being cold and so consumed by your anger. You shattered it when you choose to leave me hanging when I apologized. You shattered it when you choose to be silent about your relationship with her. And most of all, you shattered it by telling me you had nothing to do with her whereas you guys spend time together as much as we used to. You shattered it when you chose to jump into bed with her just because we're going through a bad phase. Yeah, I know about that too and I feel stupid for trusting your words saying you've got nothing to do with her.

You chose to drive me away by doing all of that, and deep down in your little heart, you know it.

You shattered it, and now I am done praying for you and for our situation to get better. I am now clear as to why God didn't answer my prayers and just showed me more about you and her every single day. He wanted to let me know that you wouldn't love me in the big way that I love you, that you wouldn't tolerate my mistakes the way I've tolerated your many many flaws. Most importantly, He showed me that in such a short time, if you can simply choose someone else when we are going through a rough patch, what guarantee will I have that you will stick it out through bad times in life ?

I love you, but you shattered it, and I will no longer jump through hoops for you.

If there's anything to be done to make things right, it's on you. That indeed, would be a miracle.